The Bugle

Dearest Reader,

We write to you today with the highest level of gratitude and humility, for it is you who has propelled our pet project to its current status as the über-satire:  the greatest and most scathingly humorous publication since the dawn of man.  Yes indeedy; with two issues in circulation and a response that one reviewer glowingly described as “lukewarm,” it seems that The Bugle has established itself as an immense pillar of shrewd wit, towering over a field of bland amusements that will be forgotten in The Bugle’s prodigious shadow.  

As such, we have been asked by this fine electronic publication to lend a few savory morsels of ingenious hilarity to spice up its pedestrian fare.  With careful consideration we selected a few highlights from our veritable library of absurdity.  However, to call these selections “the best of The Bugle” would be much like calling Sunday’s scripture reading “the best of The Bible”—a misunderstanding of intent and an oversight of the unwavering greatness found throughout each text.  Rather, much like a reading from Matthew 5:1-20, these texts are purposefully selected to illustrate a lesson.  Unlike the Bible, though, we are not concerned with the dreadfully righteous principles of a stuffy past; we chose our “readings” to demonstrate one simple point: The Bugle will make you silly with glee (while keeping its sophistication at a level rivaled only by the classic prose of Baby’s Day Out or the complete works of David Spade).  

It has also been requested that we provide a bit of history explaining the origins, development, and production of The Bugle.  We are well used to dealing with such requests, as we are constantly bombarded with such simple questions from our more obtuse readers.  Why did you start The Bugle?  Where do you get your ideas?  When will another issue be published?  Can I pose nude for The Bugle?  Will you use my idea for a story?  How about a story about me posing nude?  To answer each inquiry would virtually monopolize our oh so valuable time, as it is a fact that we have each been asked these questions more than half-a-dozen times.  However, what we can give you is an unimaginable treat: a glimpse at the genius behind The Bugle by way of an original correspondence between one of our editors and perhaps our greatest fan, the founder and president of The Bugle Fanclub.  The exchange took place in the waning weeks of 2004, and we think you’ll find that it answers any and all questions you’ve struggled to keep inside.  So we invite you to sit back, relax, and appreciate this rare opportunity to witness the magic that makes The Bugle so…magical.             

Sincerely,

Colin Buzza & Damen Heitmann

Dancing St. Francis a Bold-Faced Lie

by: Suzanne Linkletter, Guest Columnist

There is a tremendous lie that has been spun by this institution for far too long, and I will no longer allow for this egregious and malicious deception to continue.  If forced, I will scream it from the peaks of Wartburg Chapel: Dancing St. Francis is a bold-faced lie!

When I was but a young, impressionable high school senior, I visited this campus and was greeted with warm faces and friendly salutations.  In fact, almost everyone I met that day said “hi” to me and really seemed to care.  I remember the day well:  it was partly cloudy and mild in temperature; there was a fresh dew on the grass and the long shadows of Luther Hall reached across campus, almost touching the statue of St. Francis.  It was beautiful, and in my humble opinion, I could not have been more enamored with the college.   

But imagine my joy when I heard an amazing rumor.  I was told that once a year, on the day of the Vernal Equinox, Francis, my all-time favorite saint, would come alive and dance a joyous jig up and down the steps of Old Main, finishing with a dramatic Charleston on the roof of that very building.  It all sounded so splendid!  I was sold.

So on that fateful Vernal Equinox the spring of my freshman year, I sat by St. Francis all day and throughout the night.  I waited in breathless anticipation for the glorious moment when Franky would come alive and bring hope to all with his impeccable timing and rhythm rarely seen in a Caucasian clergyman.  I placed a pair of size twelve and one-half tap shoes at his feet as a goodwill offering, hoping to entice him in to a Himalaya, or perhaps even a Lazy Susan.  I thought surely the greatest saint in the history of the world would have enough decency to grace me with a Lazy Susan.  But alas, not even the sweet grooves of ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” could lure the blessed figure from his iron slumber.

With faith like a child I believed wholeheartedly in the lie perpetrated by this institution of “higher learning.”  Looking back, I guess I can see how naive I truly was.  I mean, for God’s sake, he’s made out of concrete and iron.  And yet, I wonder how many others like me have and will continue to fall victim to this tangled web of deceit that can only lead to feelings of malcontent and betrayal.   

You know, I’ve often heard that college can turn you into a cynic; now I know why.  Shame on you, Wartburg College, for preying on the naive minds of America’s future!


Campus Ministry Announces Fall Concert
“Self-Righteous Brothers” Will Bring the Word of God Only to Those Deemed Worthy

By: Colin Buzza & Damen Heitmann, Staff Writers

The Self-Righteous Brothers, a newly formed Christian rock band, will be bringing their pious and metal-based music to Wartburg College this fall.  The band is slated to headline Wartburg’s inaugural Godapalooza Celebration, a two-day Christian music festival.  The Self-Righteous Brothers believe their message and music will help Godapalooza achieve its goal of “reaching humanity through non-traditional means.”

Formed in December 2003, the band consists of real-life brothers Harod and Caiphus Simmons and neighborhood friend Glen Rickelson.  

Harod, or as he prefers to be called on stage, “Harod the Holy,” serves as the front-man, belting out vocals and playing lead guitar for the burgeoning trio.  Ciaphus, or “The Highest Priest…Ever,” lays down a wicked bass line with the direct approval of God Almighty.  Glen, whose stage name is “Glen Rickelson,” takes seat behind the trap set, reigning down on the snares like the plagues reigned down on Egypt, a gig he enjoys much more than his former job as a night watchman at Staples.  

Pioneers in the genre of Christian Death Metal, the band members encourage all to attend their concert.  However, they reserve their message of forgiveness for those who attend chapel regularly, tithe proficiently, and have a general religious fervor.  

“We are but humble echoes of the Lord Himself,” professed Harod, the elder Simmons brother.  “However, it’s pretty obvious that you have to be as pious and free of sin as we are to save yourself from eternal damnation in the fiery pits of Hades, where ravens will peck out your eyes while Lucifer laughs and wags his pointy, bifurcated tail.”

The concert will highlight hits from the band’s debut album, Holier Than Thou, which hit stores late last spring.  Audience favorites include: “Love Your Neighbor as Yourself, You Blasphemous Hell-bound Sinner,” “He Can Make It Flood Again (or How Long Can You Swim?),” “It Must Be Hard To Pray With Satan’s Hayfork Stuck Up Your Ass,” “All Sins Are Bad, But Yours Are Obviously Worse Than Mine,” “God’s Gonna Regulate!” and “God’s Pretty Busy, So I’m Just Gonna Judge You Myself.”

With the success of the band’s debut effort, the Self-Righteous Brothers have already developed a significant following.  Amongst the sheep is Brian MacAfee, a sophomore English major who says the Self-Righteous Brothers are now his favorite band:
“Athletics Come First!”
Landmark Announcement Surprises Few

By: Colin Buzza & Damen Heitmann, Staff Writers

“Athletics are now our top priority!”  

This was the announcement that rang loud and clear at a press conference outside Old Main last Thursday.  On hand were a number of Wartburg’s top administrative officials.  Speaking on behalf of the assembly, Press Secretary Carl Olsen continued:

“For years now this institution has operated under the guise that academics are the top priority, taking precedence over all co-curricular activities, including athletics.  Well, no longer will students be led astray.  We are proud to be the first private, liberal arts, er, comprehensive institution to say ‘screw this façade.’  We’re finally putting our mouth where our money is!”

The announcement is a pivotal step in the college’s continued progression toward athletic excellence.  Such development has already included a new football/track stadium, increased athletic recruitment and funding, and an ever-growing emphasis on athletic achievement.  

Last Thursday’s monumental declaration is the official trigger of “phase two” in Wartburg plan for total athletic immersion.  Phase two, titled “Becoming A College of the Sport,” calls for several major changes to the institution’s infrastructure.

For students, the most notable change will revolve around a new “Plan of Essential Education.”  Hailed as a well-rounded approach to athletic glory, the plan will afford students plenty of opportunities to bone-up on their all-around athletic prowess while minimizing scholarly academics.  

The modified academic plan features a variety of changes.  Intermediate Composition will be replaced by Writing Complete Sentences.  Also, the faith and reflection requirement can now be fulfilled by taking Prayer as Team Motivation or How to Give God Credit for Athletic Glory.  Not even Inquiry Studies could escape the overarching modifications, being replaced by Careful, Don’t Think Too Hard.  In addition, all students are now required to take Moneyball, Coaching Theory, and Applied Football Knowledge.  Music lessons have also been transformed into agility and strength-training lessons.  Lifetime Wellness was the only class to survive the overhaul.

“We are whole-heartedly endorsing these changes,” declared Olsen.  “The new plan will increase the overall athleticism of Wartburg students, thereby ensuring the continued domination of Wartburg College (and the alumni donations that are sure to follow such success).  We will accomplish this most noble of goals all the while making sure to eliminate any unnecessary mental strain on our athletes.”

Student reactions, while mixed, tend to be in favor of the changes.

“I mean, honestly, beyond a basic understanding of how the world and universe work, what have we really gained through the pursuit of knowledge?” asked sophomore Jenny Meadows.  “Where is the cure for AIDS?  Where are the flying cars?  Where is the little robot that is going to wash my bottom and dress me in the morning?”

Incoming students can also expect changes to the Regent’s and Presidential Scholarship competitions.  Traditionally based on ACT scores, GPA, essay writing, and an interview, competitions will now be expanded to include an agility contest and a forty-meter dash.  The addition of a strength category is still undergoing debate.  Also, the college will introduce a new ACT and GPA handicap system.  Working much like a golf handicaps, these adjustments will effectively “level the academic playing field.”  Finally, in order to retain a scholarship, all students, both current and incoming, must participate in a college-sanctioned athletic activity.

This announcement came as a bit of a surprise to first-year nerd Marcus Pilbright.

“I came here under a Regent’s scholarship to study physics, and now they say I’ll have to get all four of my eyes out of town unless I take a position as waterboy for the football team.”  

Pilbright was hoping the college would sanction sports such as chess, backgammon, or perhaps even a Magic:The Gathering tournament squad.  However, college officials have made it clear that activities such as these will not be allowed.

“We’re not allowing any of those sissy sports,” advised Olsen.  “There will be no chess teams, no role-playing of any kind, and if you think we’re going to have a spelling bee, you’ve got another thing coming, buddy!”

The changes will not only affect academics and scholarships, but are also expected to have wide-reaching effects on recruitment, evidenced by Wartburg’s top cross-country recruit, Timothy Hoekstra.  The fourteen year-old Hoekstra has decided to forego his high school eligibility and jump straight to the big time, Division III.  College recruiters say his phenomenal 8th grade season proves he is ready to run with the big dogs.  

“I know I’ll miss a lot of classes and stuff,” admitted Hoekstra, “but Wartburg made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.  And at my age, I can’t afford to gamble with my career.  Besides, with my sweet signing bonus I can buy a totally awesome car and spend two years pimping it out before I get my driver’s license.”

Colin Buzza '05 is a biology major and Damen Heitmann '05 is a religion major at Wartburg College.