Good Afternoon K-Mart Shoppers

SCENE: Office of SCOTTY JOHNSON, store manager. He's sitting at his desk, facing towards the door that is at far stage right. Papers litter his desk, but just one holds his attention in the opening moments. A knock at the door. He rises to answer it. It's TIM, his prospective employee. (Note: SCOTTY is to take everything in an extreme, cool, and unwavering manner.)

SCOTTY: (Crossing to his desk) So Tim, how are you today?

TIM: (They sit, Scotty at his desk, Tim in the chair opposite) Not bad — considering.

SCOTTY: Considering what?

TIM: Considering your fly's down and I just got a good look at your junk as you sat down. Comanche today, huh?

SCOTTY: (Grabbing again the sheet that held his attention in the play's opening) Well, Tim that's kind of what I called you in here for. In all honesty, we think that you'd make a great addition to the store, but there were some problems.

TIM: Really, like what?

SCOTTY: Well, it's about your psychiatric evaluation: there's some things that troubled me about it... (Long pause).

TIM: Well, come on; don't keep me in suspense.

SCOTTY: You see Tim, for starters, you're a little defensive —

TIM: (Jumping up from the chair) WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

SCOTTY: You're mildly paranoid —

TIM: (Sits down and looks around anxiously) Who told you that? (Gasp) Was it — I knew — oh God.

SCOTTY: You're prone to homicidal tendencies —

TIM: If you ever say anything like that again, I'll fucking kill you. CAW-CAW, BANG, FUCK EM: DEAD.

SCOTTY: And lastly you're bulimic-schizophrenic.

TIM: (Totally calm again) Yeah, the voices in my head binge and then throw up.

SCOTTY: Well, Tim. Thanks for your honesty: you came through great and I see no reason that you shouldn't work in our children's clothing department. Welcome aboard.

(They shake. Black out)